I keep hearing about whiz-bang new products for wine, wine aerators, wine humidicribs, bottle gas-insertors, glasses designed for specific wines (the one for the cask (bag in box) riesling really works!) and so forth. The latest fad is for the wine magnetiser – these look like a sort of magnetised ashtray (remove the butts first) in which you place a bottle of your favourite wine to miraculously improve it – (i.e. in fact to prematurely age it) in minutes. Examples include the Wine Improver, the Wine Cellar Express and the Perfect Sommelier.

No I haven’t tried them – I’m sceptical and I’ve got better things to do with my money. But others have and report positively – see The rage to age wine.

I have cheaper and more innovative ways to prematurely age my wine – here are a few. I align my bottles on a north-south axis on the night of a full moon. Some bottles I place under a rickety pyramid constructed out of an old packing case. One bottle that I had inadvertently situated next to a postcard from Stonehenge for a few minutes was positively breathtaking. A case of red I once kept in the car boot in the middle of summer on the way back from a northerly based vineyard improved so rapidly I had to toss it out.

A friend reports – from hospital – that his house – built under high voltage power lines – is wonderful for accelerating the drinkability of his wines. He hopes one day – if he gets well - to savour them. Next time I visit I’m going to ask him to smuggle a bottle into his next MRI scan as an experiment. In a similar vein another friend says he has had astonishing results by keeping a bottle of red in his brief case next to his mobile phone for an hour or two just before a business lunch.

My next experiments will involve exposure of wine to cosmic rays and consultation with a clairvoyant. For example: Me, “Is this bottle ready to drink now?” Clairvoyant, “Mmmm. Could be corked.” Me, “What about this one?” Clairvoyant “2005 to 2007.” Me “What about this?” Clairvoyant, “A tad tired. Have you tried the Wine De-Gausser? I have one here under my crystal ball somewhere.”

Wine and music matches
Plenty of words have been written about wine and food matching but little about wine and music matching – in other words, the use of music to create and enhance a suitable ambience for the enjoyment of wine. If you click on the headline above you’ll find an article on matching wine with classical music. It’s a bit toffy for me so here are a few wine and music matching suggestions for the more down to earth type.

Cask (bag in a box) white – Michael Bolton and Celine Dion present selections from the Best of Andrew Lloyd-Webber.

Soft, buttery, over wrought and over-oaked chardonnay – Muzak to my ears.

New Zealand sauvignon blanc – Always reminds me of “The Green Green Grass of Home” for some reason. (Jerry Lee Lewis has the best version.)

Champagne – Addictive. Cole Porter’s “I’ve got you under my skin / I’ve got you deep in the heart of me…” rings a bell. “Another magnum of Bolly please waiter. And two straws.”

Botrytised whites – Vaughn Williams’ ‘The Lark Ascending’. Imagine sipping a glass of Sauternes after a decent lunch on a late autumn afternoon in front of an open fire while listening to one of the most delicate violin tone poems ever written. (Hugh Bean on violin cuts the mustard for me). The piece takes its title from a George Meredith poem: ‘…And ever winging up and up, / Our valley is his golden cup / And he the wine which overflows / To lift us with him as he goes…’

Cask red – Rough’n’ready - Take your pick of AC/DC, Jimmy Barnes and Metallica.

Australian Pinot Noir – A mixed bag of uncertain styles at high prices. The Stones’ ‘(I can’t get no) Satisfaction’ would seem entirely appropriate with these.

Burgundy – Bags Groove, a laid back blues featuring Miles Davis, Thelonius Monk, Milt Jackson, Percy Heath and Kenny Clarke. Just the thing to suit velvety, if pricey, reds.

Cabernet Sauvignon – Are you an experienced cabernet drinker? You couldn’t go past a bottle of Penfolds Bin 707 with ‘Purple Haze’ by Jimi Hendrix pumpin’ in the background: ‘Scuse me while I kiss the sky...’

Bordeaux – Dylan’s “A hard rain’s a-gonna fall” and the Band’s “Tears of rage” are for reminiscing about the good old days of the Rainbow Warrior and French nuclear testing at Mururoa Atoll with a goblet of Mouton Rothschild in one hand and a Geiger counter in the other.

Australian Shiraz – Van Morrison’s Astral Weeks has a significant jazz feel (Connie Kay on drums) and if ever an Australian style was ‘…to be born again’ it was shiraz.

Southern Comfort – Janis Joplin and ‘Piece of my heart’ are complementary here.

Gin & Tonic, twist of lime – Ella Fitzgerald singing ‘The lady is a tramp’ while watching the sun go down over Kuta Beach.

Light beer – see cask white.

Beer – What else but John Lee Hooker’s ‘One Bourbon, one Scotch and one beer’?