Just finished reading Bill Bryson’s excellent The Lost Continent – Travels in Small Town America - Abacus paperback, London, 1997. In it Bryson lists six rules of public dining, the sixth, “Never eat in a restaurant that has bloodstains on the walls.” took my fancy. It reminded me of my local suburban pub in Melbourne circa 1970; we called it the “Bloodhouse”. It was (and may still be) a toffy establishment where wharfies and meat-humpers wouldn’t dare go to the loo except in pairs, where the cue sticks were never used to play pool and where you had about as much chance of getting beaten up in the bar as you did of getting a properly poured beer from the surly barmaid. (Though I recall she seemed much more polite after 20 or so pots.)

So what do we expect from restaurants (as distinct from fast-food outlets)?

Depends on the price I suppose, but there are a few must-haves. It seems obvious but most people expect restaurant food to reach a level of quality beyond the talents of the average domestic cook. They also expect fresh produce; a pleasant atmosphere; prompt service from friendly, unobtrusive and well-informed staff; a good wine list (and reasonable corkage); value for money at whatever price; and proper hygiene. If the toilets are dirty or smelly do not seek to inspect the kitchen, chef or proprietor until you have eaten. Then start thinking about hepatitis shots.

What don’t we want in restaurants, and what are the warning signs that tell us to turn away and leave?

Avoid restaurants with a spectacular view, including floating, revolving and moving restaurants of any sort– you’re paying for the novelty not the food. Also off the list are theme restaurants, and ones with singing and/or ethnically outfitted waiters, or with waiters on roller skates ordering via head-mikes – they are clearly not concentrating on the food.

Celebrity chef owned restaurants are a no-no – the chef is always too busy being filmed or interviewed to actually get dirty hands in the kitchen. Restaurants with funny names are suspect. Take care when someone says, “Let’s go to the new BSE outlet up the road.” Or suggests The Sizzling Pizzle for an all you can eat offering. And you can guarantee that neither fish nor fowl will be satisfactory at the Ox and Lox, the Haddock and Paddock, the Foal and Sole and Ye Olde Scallop and Ballock.

Stay away from buffets and cook-it -yourself places – you can do that at home. Same applies to eateries where the chef juggles knives and cleavers next to your table – you might get hurt, and, inevitably, the chef should really have spent more time practising cooking and less time on the juggling. Do not under any circumstances order curry or coffee in a Chinese restaurant. Similarly, never order Chinese food in an Indian restaurant. The reasons should be self-evident.

When on holiday never dine at a restaurant with a “tourist menu” or one with touts outside trying to hustle you inside. Tourists, remember, are likely to be regarded by restaurateurs as cashed up morons, ripe for easy picking. After all, they’re not going to be back next week. Never go to the first sitting at a two-sitting venue – their aim is not to please you, rather to move you on before serious diners arrive. Nor should you go for the “early bird special”. Early birds, you’ll recall, get the worm. Walk out of anywhere that has a misspelled menu – if they can’t spell it there’s a good chance they can’t cook it. Don’t stay if the waiters can’t explain what is in a dish – there is an awful risk that the chef hasn’t dared tell them. Don’t go back if waiters keep interrupting conversation with endless monologues about the “specials”.

Be suspicious of any wine list that only has one company’s brands on it. The company will have printed the list “free” for exclusive wine rights. In other words the customer pays for the printing via over-pricing. Stick to water or beer when wine list mark-ups are more than 100% on retail. Never go back when the effusive maitre d’ or chef joins your table and drinks your wine as if he or she is paying for it. Beware of wine lists that do not have vintage dates on them. Whoever designed such a list clearly has little interest in wine.

You clearly cannot afford to drink any wine from a list presented by a purple-faced git with a shallow silver thingy (tastevin) hanging round his neck. He’ll overfill your glass every time you take a sip, pretending to take care of you when he is actually just trying to increase the wine bill. The polite way to deal with the zealous glass filler is to tap him smartly on the knuckles with your dessertspoon (etiquette tip: never the soup spoon) and tell him to bugger off, preferably with his poxy tastevin self-inserted halfway up his left nostril. If you don’t send him on his way he’ll guzzle a sixth of each of your bottles to make sure the wine is potable. On top of that he will only recommend upmarket wine for he knows what pays his wages. Excessive wine margins will also pay for the dude whose only job is to ponce around the floor brandishing a pepper grinder the size of a baseball bat.

Lastly, never tip if the service, the wine, or the food is lousy.

Wine etiquette
Brian Miller writes, “Here’s one from the shop floor. Can corked wine be used in cooking?”

Yes, Brian, it can. So can smelly eggs, old fish and green-hued steak – but I wouldn’t recommend it. The usual rule is ‘Don't cook with any wine you wouldn't drink.’ But that's not a scientific answer and there’s no accounting for taste. Still, as there’s so much corked wine about, it could be something else for cork manufacturers to research. Perhaps one of those Gen X writers could put out a cookbook on the theme. How about Corked Wine, Courgettes, Cous Cous and Coulis for a title?

Tasted recently
Miranda High Country Merlot 2000. Cellar to 2005. About $9. KKK

King Valley fruit. Medium ruby. Lifted fruity nose, faint eucalypt edge. Mild tannins, slightly developed plummy character in the mouth, sweet American oak and a quite firm, acidic finish.

Brown Brothers Merlot 2000. Cellar to 2005. About $15. KKK

Milawa. Mid–crimson. Berries and chocolate on the nose, hint of earthiness. Soft style, lightly tannic, showing secondary wine flavours.

Margan Merlot 2001. Cellar to 2005. Recommended retail $19.50. KKK½

Hunter Valley. Reddish to violet. Perfumed sweet nose of blackberries and spice. Generous mouth-filler, a smooth-textured balance of light wood and ripe fruit. Easy drinking style.

Dalfarras Merlot 2000. Cellar to 2006. About $13. KKK½

Multi-region Australia. Ruddy, faint purple. Upfront nose of plums and a touch of leafiness. A solid mouthful, dry and satisfying. Good wine for barbecued mains.

Trivia
Correct answers to triviameister Brian Miller’s question: “Which famous film director designed a Mouton Rothschild wine label?” included John Huston and Salvador Dali (co-director, with Luis Bunuel, of Un Chien Andalou) but, strangely, no one mentioned Jean Cocteau. The bottle of Martin’s Tin Shed Tawny went to Ken Gargett.

Wine words
Ampelographer – An expert in the study and identification of grapevines – from the Greek ampelos: vine and graphe: writing.

Oinomancer – one who predicts the future through the study of wine dregs in the bottom of a glass.

Quote
“There is an awful lot of wine in the world, but there is also a lot of awful wine” Len Evans.