At long last I can announce exclusively a breakthrough in that most important aspect of wine technology: the opening of wine bottles. It is the Swiss Army Waiters' Friend, a step forward in evolution for the simple corkscrew and blade we know so well. Previously famous only for cuckoo clocks, yodelling and the hoarding of laundered wealth, the Swiss have come up with an ingenious, historic, state of the art gadget to rival the Swatch.

Designed by a committee comprising one Swiss watchmaker, two Masters of Wine and a bloke chosen at random from a local wine bar, the Swiss Army Waiters' Friend or SAWF, provides a number of traditional functions along with a wealth of breathtaking innovations. All of this has been made possible by recent advances in the fields of micro-miniaturisation and artificial intelligence.

I will list just a few of this indispensable tool's major features.

A breathalyser. Tongs for the removal of recalcitrant champagne corks. A tastevin. A bottle top remover. A glass cutter for turning empty beer bottles into decorative vases. A blade modelled on the Bowie Knife, which, as well as being useful for removing bottle capsules and self-defence, has engraved upon it in tiny script: a vintage chart, a number of food with wine suggestions and useful conversational wine terms such as, "peaches, melons, figs, mercaptan" etc.

There is a magnifying glass/microscope for reading information engraved on the blade, and there's more. This glass can be manipulated when hungry (in a somewhat cumbersome way) to char-grill a steak using the sun's rays. In a similar fashion it will serve admirably to warm a glass of post-luncheon Cognac.

Cunningly hidden is a small compartment in which to write your name and address in case you have drunk so much that you forget who you are and where you live. Also, for the tired and emotional, is a minuscule air bag that will inflate explosively should the owner fall over, thus saving him or her from injury and humiliation. This will also serve as a pillow for a boozy snooze and as an instant life raft if, less than sober, one stumbles into the river whilst meandering home.

For the hungover there is a cleverly incorporated phial containing capsules of vitamin B, aspirin and Alka Seltzer. And if good health is a concern one can quickly test for cirrhosis using the SAWF medically approved hollow surgical steel needle to sample cells via a blind liver biopsy. Surviving brain cells are similarly accessible. Being hollow, the needle doubles as a straw. This can be handy when taken thirsty on a long trip with no gritty anodised aluminium cups in the glove box and a flagon of cheap port in the car trunk saying "Drink me."

Scientifically inclined users can utilise the SAWF's wee gas spectrometer attachment for immediate study of biopsied cells and, obviously, it will also be frequently employed to examine the constituents of a suspect wine before calling on the sommelier for another bottle.

Least but not last is a pointed thingy for removing stones from horses' hooves when riding to hounds at your friendly vigneron's country estate.

The ultimate feature of the SAWF is the patented Crick-Watson double-helix corkscrew. As well as being a most efficient cork extractor this is quite useful for illustrating the wonders of recombinant DNA when, as sometime happens, one is called upon unexpectedly to deliver an important scientific lecture.

K-tel will shortly be advertising the SAWF at the astonishingly low price of $3.95, plus post and packing of $79.95. Or customers can choose to pay in four equal monthly instalments of $59.95. This imaginative doodad which, while more than a knife, is, admittedly, less than a butler, is a bargain whichever way you look at it, and one should be in every winelover's Christmas stocking this season.

© Martin Field