Wine writers are a breed apart. They drink the best (and worst ) of wines, eat at the hautest of haute cuisineries and are on the best of terms with winemakers, but can they write?

Language about wine can range from the sublime to the pseudo. Unfortunately, it usually tends towards the latter. Assuming that wine writers' audiences are relatively untutored in the wine sciences, it would be reasonable to expect columns written in clear, jargon-less English. But what is served up is all too often both impenetrable and precious. With that in mind and by way of example, I have compiled a few snippets of what I consider to be nobly-rotten waffle. Readers may notice that modesty forbids the inclusion of my own humble writings.

Firstly, from Auberon Waugh's column in The Spectator, a couple of examples of his penchant for the bizarre comparison: "The Jackson Estate Marlborough Dry may seem more of a kindergarten taste - nurses will love it...almost like a sauvignon at the extreme red gooseberry end of the sauvignon spectrum - grapefruit? mandarin? kiwi fruit?..." And: "...Enate's Crianza...tempranillo and cabernet sauvignon...Nobody could possibly mistake this for anything but a Spanish wine, with its musky smell, masses of fruit and curly black hair, but we found it delicious..."

The Australian Financial Review's Mr Tim White is clearly a lover of the cryptic crossword: "Shaw & Smith Reserve Chardonnay...Intense pineapple rind and radish, smells slaty and tight...a dab of textural mlf..." Malolactic fermentation we presume. His second entry is also a bit on the whiffy side: "Raymond Cabernet Sauvignon Reserve. Earthy, slightly feral/animal (Brett!!), cedar stocky, deep blackcurrants & blackberries..." I assume that (Tim!!) is referring to brettanomyces, a yeast that gives wine a mousy odour. Finally Tim offers. "Grosset Polish Hill. Quite plump on the nose, packed with lemon/lime zest, apricot kernel and a hint of plasticine..." and, "Mitchell Watervale Riesling...Impeccably balanced P should age well." I still haven't worked out what P is - pH perhaps?

And lastly, my favourite offering of psychobabble, from the tasting notes of Bodegas Felix Callejo: "Reserva Tinto Callejo 1989... is a complex, suggestive baroque wine. The organoleptic sensations act in polyphonic counterpoint with diverse melodic lines... the palate is...persistent...with a retronasal resonance with good old aging. Fit to remain in the bottle." The moral we derive from the above tasting samples is that when writing about wine we should all watch our mlfs and Bretts!!

© Martin Field